Firsts. The first of anything is never easy. In fact, the most exciting or scary – depending on your perspective.
I was late. While I never kept track, there was this suspicion that I was pregnant. The best way to describe it would be a ‘sense of knowing without reason’. I walked into Watsons, bought the cheapest pregnancy test kit. (I figured if you’re pregnant, you’re pregnant, no need for any sophisticated/nice looking test kits.)
Peed onto the indicator and waited. With an anxious heart and thoughts racing through my mind. I wasn’t prepared to be a mother. There was still so many things I wanted to do. Travel, build my business, do extreme sports.
2 lines. Matched it against the instructions to see what it meant. Positive. I was pregnant.
I wasn’t elated. In fact, I was kind of disappointed. Upset that I was now responsible for a life. A life I wasn’t sure how to look after. To make things worse, I wasn’t even married!
I told my partner and he went out for a smoke. He came back and said we’ll get married. He was excited but... I was confused.
Did I want to marry this man just because I had his child? I went to my group of girlfriends to share. Options were laid out.
I could bring up this child by myself (I was capable enough to)
I could marry this man because it’s socially acceptable
Option 3 was not an option for me. A life is a life and it didn’t matter how prepared (or not) I was. I was NOT going to ever take a life. I didn’t want anything to be on my conscience. One decision was settled. The other less clear. Marrying the father of my child was a separate decision from keeping my baby and that was where my uncertainty laid.
I pondered over over how ill-prepared I was to have a child at this time. I considered how it would be like bringing up a child as a young single-mother. I asked myself if this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I was so NOT ready for marriage.
Truth was, I wasn’t head over heels in love with him. I was comfortable with him. Yet, legally inking our union was something I was unsure of. I wrote a list of reason for and against marrying this man. We had talks and I finally decided on Option 2.
Part 2.. to be continued…
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